Uncanny Arrancar
by A Is A Failing Grade
Summary: PURE CRACK This is the tale of the Arrancar, before they died in the Winter War. Learn of their culture and way of life, experiencing a few laughs along the way. MATURE FOR A REASON
1. Chapter 1

**Uncanny Arrancar**

**Chapter 1: Introduction**

"In a land, far far away, there was an empire..."

"Shut up, Szayel. We don't want anymore of your Star Wars fanboy-ism. Let me tell a story."

"You're all a bunch of idiots."

"Shut up, Stark!"

"Fine, alright. Let's let Nnoitra tell a story."

"Okay. Once, there was a cat. Then it made a dog really angry, and the dog bit its head off!" At this, the fifth Espada burst out laughing, holding his stomach. Everyone at the table glared at him, before Stark spoke up.

"That was dumb." Everyone looked his way. He just looked back coolly, his eyes conveying his boredom. Szayel snorted.

"Well, it's Nnoitra. What'd you expect? If you'd just let me talk about Star Wars..." Szayel complained, pushing his glasses back up to his eyes.

"How about Ulquiorra tells a story?" Yammy asked excitedly, pointing to the Cuarto Espada right next to him. Ulquiorra sighed, before standing up.

"There once was a piece of trash, and then that piece of trash met another piece of trash. The one piece of trash asked where his trash was, to which the other replied it was in a dumpster. The one then killed the other piece of trash for being an idiot. The end." he said, sitting back down.

"Yay!" Yammy shouted, clapping his hands. The others just looked on, confused, before Nnoitra started laughing again.

"I get it! He disemboweled him with a spoon! Bahah!" He said, laughing and slapping his knee. Gin stood still in the back of the corner, chuckling to himself.

"Poor piece of trash..." Aizen frowned. This was not how he imagined his tea party to go. He cleared his throat, standing up.

"Everyone...this is not how I intended my tea party to go." He said, crossing his arms. Gin raised his head, before saying,

"Aizen...the narrator just said that." Everyone looked at Gin quizzically, who just continued with his fox-like grin, tapping his forehead.

"Anyway..." Aizen continued slowly. "This tea party was supposed to be perfect, and it still can be. Everyone, put on the outfits." He commanded, standing up and smirking. But maybe the smirk was too much...he still wanted to look confident, but not crazy.

Everyone sighed, standing up and putting on the bonnets and lace that had been on their chair when they first got there. "Sir," Ulquiorra inquired. "My helmet will rip through the bonnet." Aizen nodded.

"Then you don't have to wear it." Yammy looked at Ulquiorra incredulously, before muttering something about him being lucky. They all sat there, stunned.

"Hey, Aizen. I think the fart here's dead." Grimmjow said, snorting. Aizen shrugged. Grimmjow took his spoon, setting it under the second Espada's nose, clearly saddened when fog formed from the second Espada breathing. "Damnit. Not yet." He said. Baraggan's head whipped up, glaring at Grimmjow.

"Damn whippersnapper, if I had my beatin' stick..." He said, before noticing his zanpaku-to. "Oh, there it is!" He yelled, before grabbing his zanpaku-to sheath, smacking Grimmjow in the face with it.

"Ow, FUCK!" Grimmjow yelled, holding his face. Oh, there would be payback. Baraggan snorted about something he found funny, putting his zanpaku-to back into place.

"There is a bright side to this..." Tosen said. He went to go stand up, finding bottom stuck in the seat, before he fell back down in his seat. "What the...Gin? Did you glue me to my chair again?" He shouted, which caused the fox-like man to chuckle, before saying,

"I...have to go, mkay? Don't have too much fun without me." Gin chuckled, before slipping out of the door. Aizen turned his attention on Grimmjow, raising a well-plucked eyebrow.

"Grimmjow...you should apologize." He said. Grimmjow snorted, before asking,

"For what?"

"Your manliness." Aizen retorted. Grimmjow paled visibly, raising a questioning eyebrow. Aizen pointed at Luppi. Realization hit Grimmjow as he looked over, before saying,

"I'm sorry, Luppi." Luppi couldn't help but look confused.

"For what?" He asked.

"My manliness...it made you piss your pants." He said, quickly buttoning up his Espada jacket to cover up the main source of his manliness; his abs. Luppi looked down, before shrieking and running out of the room.

Tosen chuckled, a smile upon his lips. "I slept with her." He said briefly. "She was very skilled. I filled her to the brim with justice."

Everyone who was drinking or eating spit out their food and drink, staring at him wide-eyed.

"Tosen...you didn't feel anything weird on him, err, her, did you...?" Szayel asked.

"No. Why are you all acting surprised. The loveliest lady in Las Noches needs somebody. It is only natural she is attracted to justice-iest person in this unjustful city." He said calmly.

"Luppi's got a dick." Grimmjow said bluntly. Tosen paled, his dark skin turning a gray color.

"ICHIMARU!" He yelled out, a comical vein throbbing on his forehead.

Meanwhile, off in the distance...

"I wonder who told Kaname-kun..." He wondered idly, chuckling to himself.

"I always knew it..." Stark muttered to himself idly.

"Well," Aizen interrupted, standing up. "I believe today's tea party is over now...you can all take off the bonnets." At this, everyone did so, Grimmjow going as far as to tear his up with his teeth out of hatred for the un-manly object. Aaroniero took off the cover of his fish-tank like head thing. The faces frowned, seeing that the can he held in his hand was almost empty.

"Aizen-sama...we need more food." Aaroniero said, emptying the fish food into the top of his helmet. The heads floated around like fish, swallowing the food eagerly. "And we need somebody to clean our tank here soon."

Aizen nodded, before replying. "Very well, it has been noted. And I shall send Menoly and Loly, Grimmjow's Fraccion, to clean it." Aizen walked out of the door, going to his own chambers. Grimmjow looked at Aaroniero, before busting out laughing.

"Your fuckin' fish just shat in your tank!" He said, holding his stomach. The fish frowned.

"It's not our fault we couldn't hold it." They said, as a long, stringy piece of fish-ces (Fish-feces) floated past.

"Can somebody help me out of this chair?" Tosen asked. It was at that moment that Gin decided to come back in.

"I will, Kaname-kun." He said with his fox-like grin.

"No, Gin, that's perfectly-OW!" Tosen yelled, standing up so abruptly the back of the chair hit the back of Tosen, the force causing the chair to fall off harmlessly. "What did you do, Ichimaru?" He yelled. Gin chuckled, before pulling out the scorpion he had carefully been holding. It repeatedly stuck its stinger into the glove Gin had on, since he was holding it.

"Oh, well whaddya know. Kaname-kun, were you out in the desert rolling around again?" Gin asked, chuckling to himself as he ran out of the room, and down the hall.

"Until the Winter War...life is going to be hell." Tosen said, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

**Meanwhile...**

Aizen slammed the door to his room shut, looking around to make sure nobody was nearby. He walked over to his desk, sitting down. He opened a drawer, before pulling out dolls. All of them were fashioned to be like the Espada, plus Tosen, Ichimaru, and himself. He sat them all around a small toy table that he found, him sitting at the front.

"I am Lord Aizen. You shall all bow down to me, because I am King. I will not tell you to, though, because I am a gracious King." He said in a deep voice, moving his doll around.

"Oh, yes, Lord Aizen. Hail, Lord Aizen." He said, in a high-pitched voice, resembling that of Grimmjow.

"And along comes the humans..." He muttered, pulling out dolls of all of the Soul Society.

"Aizen-sama..." Gin called, opening the door. Hastily, Aizen grabbed all of the dolls, shoving them into his pants, before standing and staring at Gin.

"Yes-" He said, before realizing his voice was still high-pitched. He cleared it, before answering. "Err, yes, Gin?" Gin looked down, noticing the bulge in Aizen's pants.

"If those last for more than three hours, you're supposed to call a doctor." He said with his fox-like smirk. Aizen went a little red, before nodding.

"Yes, Gin. I know." He said.

"Oh, anyway...I borrowed one of your dolls." He said, tossing the Mayuri doll to Aizen, who caught it. He looked dumbstruck, turning to Gin. Gin, in turn, gave him the thumbs up, before walking away.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello, everyone! I've only gotten two reviews on the story so far. :C BUT, they were enough! I would like to thank Hands in Red Paint and Bunny153539 for the reviews. I was getting discouraged, until I saw those. Baha! Now I will bring on more intense laughs! **

**And I would like to say, after some series thought, I'm going to make this story Alternate Reality. You'll all see why...(Yay for completely random, pointless character death!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not condone animal abuse or bulimia, nor do I own Bleach. Otherwise, it would be way more ridiculous than it is; to the point to where it's just stupid. **

**Shout-Out's: **

Bunny153539: Thank you, thank you. I've had this stuff running around in my head all day. Your review is actually what got me off of my lazy ass to continue typing this.

Hands in Red Paint: Ugh, it's my fraggin' computer... :C But haha, yeah. Baraggan and his beating stick...I think I'ma delve further into Grimmjow's manliness in this chapter.

**Chapter Two: Abs-tract Art**

Grimmjow sighed annoyed. He started rubbing his face; specifically, the welt where Baraggan had hit him with his "beating stick". Grimmjow stopped walking, noticing something odd.

All of the walls of Las Noches were supposed to be white. He made sure of it. He had kept using his manliness to make the color fade from the walls. Why was this one still tan? Was it challenging him? Who the hell had the right to challenge the manliest man in Las Noches? He'd show the wall.

Grimmjow turned his stare into a light glare. After a few moments, his glare increased. With each passing second, the intense look he was giving the wall would only increase. He was Grimm-fucking-jow, and he would not lose to a wall. No way could a cold piece of stone be more manly than himself.

"Damn wall...now I gotta reveal my true power. Even more powerful than my Resureccion." He claimed, opening his jacket. He glared at it for a moment. Suddenly, the wall turned stark white. Grimmjow's abs were just too much. "Serves you right, bastard." He said, leaving his shirt and continuing walking, ignoring all of the screaming fans girls.

Yammy sat at the table in the tower Ulquiorra and he shared. He had a crayon in one hand, and the mangled corpse of a hollow in his other, every so often taking a bite of the hollow, which earned a scream in reply. He sat there, glaring at the piece of paper in front of him.

"Ulquiorra! What color is a doggy?" He asked, oblivious to the fact that he owned a dog.

"The shade varies from dark brown, black, white, and even to a golden color." Ulquiorra replied, looking up from the wastebasket he was digging through.

"Oh...I want to make my doggy blue!" He yelled, grabbing the blue crayon excitedly. He began scribbling on the paper, oblivious to the fact that the crayon was in fact a blue finger belonging to what once was a hollow.

"Ulquiorra, my crayon is coming out red!" He yelled. Ulquiorra looked up briefly from the wastebasket, a banana peel in his hands.

"That's because that is a hollow finger." he said, before rubbing his face against the slimy banana skin. "Trash~" He sang obsessively, before turning his face and licking it. Yammy sighed, before saying,

"I'm going to see what Nnoitra is doing!" He got up, and ran out the door. Ulquiorra looked at the shelves in the room, which had fallen because of Yammy's massive size and weight. He sighed, before pulling all of them into his arms.

"Trash..."

Yammy ran all the way to Nnoitra's room, throwing the door open. Out of surprise, Nnoitra turned and yelled, "The fuck?" Yammy saw Aizen there, wondering why.

"As I was saying, for rounding up those hollows, here is your reward." Aizen said, pulling an adorable kitten from his jacket.

"Ooh! A kitty!" Yammy yelled, running over and petting the kitten, who mewed pathetically.

"Hands off! It's mine!" Nnoitra yelled, grabbing the kitten.

"You...like kittens?" Yammy asked, surprised. Nnoitra rolled his eyes, before a demonic grin came to his face.

"Yeah, you could say that." He said, raising it to his face to inspect its level of cuteness. Perfect.

"What do you like best about them, Nnoitra? I like how they are soft and furry and warm." Yammy said, sounding like a small child. Nnoitra grinned even harder.

"That they're perfect for a good ol' fashioned stomping." He said, dropping the cat, and slamming his foot down on it repeatedly. Yammy watched in horror as blood clung to Nnoitra's foot.

"NO!" He yelled, grabbing Nnoitra's foot and throwing him so hard, he broke through the tower wall and went flying a couple of miles off into the desert. "Kitty..." Yammy cried, holding the pile of guts and what little skin remained of the kitten. He sniffed, before looking at it curiously. His tongue came out, poking it. A smile lit up Yammy's lips, before he ate it.

"Hey...where'd the kitten go?" Yammy asked. Aizen turned, walking away. He now had an hour-long throwing-up session to get to after seeing that act. Plus, he was gaining a few pounds. If he was going to be on the Las Noches cheer leading squad, there was no way he could be so fat. All of the other girls and guys would SO hate on him for letting himself gain five pounds.

Getting back to his room, Aizen took off his shirt, revealing that he was wearing a sleeping bag wrapped around his torso to make him seem chubbier than he was. He pulled it off, revealing skin stretched tightly over bones. He walked to his dresser, pulling out a cheer-leading outfit he had been working on. He wanted to get the Arrancar involved in football, and there was no other way. Sighing, Aizen put it back after looking at it for a moment.

Aizen threw his clothes into the laundry chute, before grabbing a pair of casual pants that matched his ex-Captain's outfit. Aizen put the pants on. These were much more comfortable, and he could sit in his throne room in them, since he had a removable desk. Aizen stood up, noticing he was a little bit cold. He walked to his throne, sitting down. He yelped in pain, standing back up. He saw nothing there, and sat back down. He stood up again immediately. Something was pricking him on the bottom.

Aizen felt behind him, before realizing that in between two pale, smooth butt cheeks, was a large tack. And not only that, apparently somebody had cut the bottom out of the pants also. He didn't know why he didn't notice it. Aizen sighed, tossing the tack away and sitting back down. No way could he go back now. An Arrancar might see him.

Aizen leaned his head against the back of the chair, closing his eyes. He opened them, the sight making his eyebrow twitch.

"**Leader-sama, I thought your pants were a little too warm. So I cut the bottom out. Your welcome. **

**Love, Gin.**

**P.S.: I lost a tack somewhere. Be careful.**

Only, instead of a note, it was spray-painted on the ceiling.

"ICHIMARU!" He yelled, rather girlishly.

**Off in the distance...**

Gin's fox-like grin became even more suspicious, widening curiously.

"Now, about your emotional problems, Stark." He said, turning back to the Primera Espada.

"I just don't really like the color black...it's so depressing." He complained, a hand on his forehead as he lay on the couch-bed thing that therapists use for their patients.

"Go on...?" Gin inquired.

"But the color pink...it makes me happy." He said. Gin's eyebrow twitched, as he revealed his own thoughts.

"The color pink...hmm...it makes me want to...strangle bunnies." He said.

"Bunnies? I like bunnies...they're so soft...and my mother had a bunny..." Stark said. A few minutes later, Gin was sitting on the couch, a comforting hand on the now-upright Stark, who was crying hard.

"And then...she...she said..." He sniffed, before a sob broke out. "That that was what we had for dinner! MR. FLUFFICKINS! MOTHER! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" He shouted. Gin nodded in understanding, patting his shoulder.

"Just let it all out." He encouraged. Stark started crying holding up his hand and pointing it at the wall, a cero blasting through as he yelled angrily.

'DAMN! That bitch was HOT.' Gin thought to himself, smirking.

"Well...I need to bug Kaname-kun." Gin said, getting up suddenly, before writing a prescription. "Take these. Every twenty-six hours take one." he said, handing the piece of paper to Stark. Stark got a confused expression as he read it.

"You want me to take Rohypnol?" He inquired. Gin nodded.

"But everyone already complains about me sleeping all the time." Stark said. Gin feigned an exasperated sigh.

"If you want to get rid of your depression, then take the roofies already." He said, before turning and walking out. Gin chuckled. Little did Stark know, he had done some tampering. He had opened the pills, and mixed their powder along with some crushed laxative.

"That is why you don't make people wear white all the time." he said, chuckling to himself.


End file.
